League of Legends: The 2020 Festivus Airing of Grievances

League of Legends. Photo Courtesy of Riot Games.
League of Legends. Photo Courtesy of Riot Games. /

On the glorious holiday of Festivus, some League of Legends champions have gathered for the annual airing of grievances.

While League of Legends players may love Christmas, with their stockings stuffed full of RP to buy the best skins for the holiday season, there is a time-honored tradition for the champions. This year, they have gathered around their (virtual) table for the Festivus celebrations.

The feats of strength will be coming shortly and the metal pole has already been decorated, but now it’s time for the airing of grievances. We’ll let the most cantankerous champion himself, Kled, kick off the proceedings.

Kled: All right you damn trespassers, you have been perturbing my tranquility for ALL of 2020 and now it’s Kled’s turn to let you all know what’s what!

Skaarl: Growls.

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Kled: Yeah that’s true Skaarl, they do have some stinky breath. BUT YOU WAIT YOUR TURN! Now, I got lots of problems with you Yordles and you’re gonna hear it! First up, this little mushroom-stealing rat! You know how aggravating it is to be poisoned and blinded, only for you to scurry off into a brush and vanish!

Teemo: Giggles.

Tryndamere: Yeah you keep laughing it you little maggot.

Garen: Oh that’s rich coming from you. You know how it feels to drop a giant sword from the sky and have it mean nothing because you just decided not to die?

Tryndamere: About the same as watching you heal all the damage I did you just by standing underneath your tower. Speaking of healing.

Dr. Mundo: Mundo no like Executioner’s Calling and Bramble Vest.

Soraka: Yeah I gotta agree with the big guy on that one.

Brand: Hehehe.

Soraka: Oh, darn! And Morellonomicon too!

Brand: Too late. Time to watch you burn. Just like I want to burn all those AD Carries.

Sivir: Hey, what did we do? We have the most to complain of any of you!

Caitlyn: Yes, we’re the ones who were left completely in cold with all these new items. I can’t even 1v1 a tank on the sidelanes until about four items.

Garen: Well, you’re really not supposed to–

Kayn: No, no, no. Just let them think that. It’s more funny this way.

Sivir: Seriously, though, every other class got these amazing Mythic items and we got stuck with Immortal Shieldbow and Kraken Slayer.

Soraka: And Galeforce.

Sivir: Hm?

Soraka: Galeforce, you know the one that makes you dash around?

Caitlyn: Oh, that’s right! I completely forgot about that one.

Draven: If it’s not an Infinity Edge or the Collector I don’t care.

Soraka: Well you might want to check it out. Since it’s, you know, considered the best Mythic item for your class.

Sivir: Wait, what?

Tryndamere: Can we move on? We all know that the marksmen are whining for no reason and if we have to listen to them go on with their grievances Festivus will be over before we even get to the junglers.

Kayn: Wait, what did I do?

Draven: Oh, you know, the usual. “Riot changed pathing and it’s like I have to learn a whole new role again.” It’s the same thing every year and that’s my biggest grievance.

Lee Sin: I fail to see your complaint.

Draven: You’re just going to walk right into that?

Brand: I mean he’s accustomed to walking right into things.

Lee Sin: I hate you all. And I hate how much the jungle has changed this year.

Sivir: And there it is.

Lee Sin: What? It’s like it never ends with them. Every year they keep tweaking and tuning and it just makes the jungle worse. It’s never going to be better than Season 6 so just go back to that!

Hecarim: Agreed.

Brand: No, we are not going back to Season 6! My biggest grievance is having to listen to you go on and on about the glory days of Season 6. It wasn’t that great! We had DynamicQ then!

Amumu: I miss DynamicQ. When I could play with friends.

Draven: You still can play with friends in FlexQ.

Caitlyn: Besides, isn’t your thing that you don’t have any friends?

Annie: He has me!

Sivir: Oh god where did you come from?

Draven: Seriously, how are you a support pick again?

Annie: I can give my shield to Mr. Tibbers and my friends.

Caitlyn: Cool, so in addition to Mr. “1000 hooks and I build nothing but AD”, Ms. “Me no farm, but me ADC”, and the abomination that is Bard, we have to deal with little Ms. “I’m here to drop a bear on your head for all your health bar”?

Annie: Giggles.

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Lux: Man you are annoying.

Xerath: I’m sorry, you’re calling her annoying? Have you heard your laugh?

Tryndamere: Yeah my biggest grievance might be having to listen to your laughter incessantly.

Garen: Hey, woah woah guys, that’s my sister you’re talking about!

Xerath: So you’ve had to live with her your whole life and put up with that laugh?

Garen: Yeah Lux I’m gonna need you to stop laughing forever. It sounds like a My Little Pony getting tickled in the worst way possible.

Kled: Welp, I hope you had fun airing all your grievances for this year. NOW GET THE HELL OFF MY PROPERTY!!